I don't usually write posts like this but another blogger gave me some courage so here I am....spilling my guts. Now I know my thoughts wont be popular with everyone but that's ok, because again these are my thoughts.
I'm struggling...struggling to be everything to everyone, struggling to not lose my temper when my child gets in & out of bed & turns on the lights until 10pm every night and then wakes up at 5:30, struggling to make friends, find a job, be a homemaker, etc etc
It all started when I lost my job back in July. I was not ready to go back to being a SAHM, I worked 3 glorious days and was home 2 days a week, it gave me just enough "away" time during the week and I still had time to have playdates with friends. When I lost my job H was about 80% potty trained, his school really stepped up and I owe them a lot for taking on such a stubborn child! A month later he had completely regressed :(
Now don't get me wrong I was lucky enough to stay home with H for 18 months and I will forever be grateful for that. However I was ready to get back out there and H needed more than I could give him on my own, he is a very bright little boy who needed to be stimulated. He loved school and blossomed in his environment. People always ask if I teach him since I used to be a preschool teacher and in some ways yes I do but it is hard, he knows which of my buttons to push and likes pushing them! H kept asking to go to school in the mornings after we pulled him out and that broke my heart. So I am struggling to be a teacher and a mother and a disciplinarian.
We moved to TN about a month ago and while my mom and in laws have been here to help out I am still struggling to meet people, find a job, find a preschool, and just to get settled. I love spending my days running errands with H, going to Chik-Fil-A for lunch, and being able to nap, but most of the time I just want to be at "work," if that makes me a bad mother then so be it. H has not adapted to this new environment at all, my once easy baby who went to bed without issue now takes at least an hour to put down for bed or nap. M and I have tried every method and I am at my wits end with this whole going to bed thing, not to mention he has been getting up at 5:30 every morning. I guess we have also hit the terrible two's because a day doesn't go by where we don't have some sort of fit or tantrum because I wont buy him gummy bears...true story. Keeping my temper and patience in check has become a daily struggle. Sometimes I just need 5 minutes, 5 minutes to cry, yell, or just breathe!
I know my thoughts don't always make sense even when I put them down but this is more for me than anyone else. I love being a mother and hope to be one again but I guess I never really realized how hard it is. I miss my girlfriends back in FL who always let me "drop" by if I was having a bad day or would grab a drink after bedtime! Meeting people has never been my strong suit, sometimes I can come off as hard to get to know but that is because I have been back stabbed by more than my fair share of girls. So this is me, struggling to find my balance again. Thanks for listening to me ramble!
P.S. as I type this I am potty training again............
